Hozier, Alone

My Dear Daughter,

I went to a concert, alone. Well, not exactly alone. Due to a birthday snafu, two of my girls had seats together and there was one orphan seat. This lonely seat was sections away from my daughters and I had decided to leave it unoccupied while I waited dutifully in the car for the ride home. I fought with myself over this decision and at the last minute decided, “I’m going in”. It would be wasteful, and most importantly, disrespectful to Hozier to leave a glaringly vacant seat.

As I searched for my single spot, I kept walking forward, toward the stage. How was I this close? Somehow the orphan seat was plushily cushioned and even rocked. A few minutes later a sweet girl walks up and asks if I need anything. Where am I? I’ll take a Diet Coke. When I look more closely, somehow, I am only 12 or so rows from the stage. I didn’t even have to zoom my camera. A moment of wow in a sea of “new friends”.

I have been other places alone, but none quite as revealing as a concert. There were assigned seats. Everyone around could see I was alone. As a mom-dancer, I always felt free to be silly with my girl-group. Can you actually dance by yourself?

I found myself in a new “space”, not in sight of my comfort zone. But I remembered all the new “spaces” I had inhabited in recent years. They had all felt painfully foreign at one time. Once there, you realize how much you have taken the familiar for granted. Familiar allows you to relax, know what to expect, understand your place. Familiar can also anesthetize you to what has come to be normal – a former who tracks your location, isolates you from your family, picks your allowed friends. Familiar can choke the freedom and joy from your life.

So, what happens when you brave the unfamiliar? You will probably feel awkward, nervous, and downright scared. You may even second guess yourself and try to talk yourself back into your old space. But I challenge you to sit with the uncomfortable. Learn to tolerate the unfamiliar. You can build this mental muscle and find it opens countless brand-new doors. Who knew there were new doors?

You can find new doors already etched with your name, just waiting for you. You will need brave steps until the unfamiliar becomes newly familiar. Brave is not easy. To paraphrase Brené Brown, bravery is not required when there is no risk. Bravery requires acting when you are not certain of the outcome. So, with uncertain steps, tiptoe right into your new space, sweaty palms, and all.

Take your new seat. In a minute, it will start to feel comfortable, like you belong. You will not be afraid, scrutinized, controlled. You picked this seat, and you can in fact dance by yourself. Too sweet!

Love You,

Divorce Mom