Trust Your Boots

My Dear Daughter,

Welcome to the start of the journey, but strangely its starting at the end. The end that is meant for you and only you can design and live. Steven Covey challenges us to “begin with the end in mind”. You’re getting divorced. How can you possibly know what the end looks like.

I thought I did. My house, his house, and the girls with me but of course could see him as much as they wanted. Out in June, all settled by the time school starts back in August. All figured out. We would share and cooperate, and the girls would thrive without the conflict and constant tension in their home. I was so naïve.

I had been contemplating this for years. I had read and studied and planned and thought through what I believed to be “all the things”.

Shocker One: I did not even know most of the things, much less all. No one can, no matter how much you think through, plan, or learn from experts. Where did all these surprise things come from? Gobsmacked.

Shocker Two: All the things were not my things. He had things too. And despite living in shared conflict, our “things” were different. Can you imagine??

I thought “you can’t, you won’t, he can’t, he won’t” but those predictions were not true either. My plan quickly turned into a muddy, slippery mess. And I slid straight into fear and doubt. I lost the vision of myself that would emerge on the other side. If not treated, that self-view is a mortal wound. It almost was.

My daughter is an outdoorsy girl. Her longing for nature is in her DNA but her skills were acquired along the way. When faced with a straight downhill descent into a gorge, in the rain and mud, she turned to her mountaineering coach and said, “I can’t do it”. Her coach said “Sure you can. Trust your boots”. She ended up dirty and with some scrapes but made it. And for her, there were no next times of doubt, she learned to trust herself.

I don’t think you can know exactly what the end of your divorce will look like. I believe the end is more profound than who gets the house or a custody schedule. The real end, the “trust your boots” realization is that you are capable of handling the unexpected, the fear, the anger, your children’s tears, and the rest of the emotional landslide.

So, when you begin, remind yourself you have done hard things before. You have survived all life’s tough days. You have untapped skills and resilience not yet known to yourself. You will gain confidence in these during the process. And at the end, you will know you can trust yourself.

Love you,

Divorce Mom