Power of the Pause

My Dear Daughter,

Suddenly, life is urgent. Have you felt it? So many new things or new twists on old things. You get “jumpy”. Then, your “former” hits you with a barrage of questions, accusations or demands, no longer across the kitchen table but through terse voice mails or texts that sound like someone else’s words. I call it the “in coming”.

Your heart drops. You can tell he is already angry. It will only get worse it you make him wait, right? You rush to respond straight away. He will no doubt see you are trying to cooperate. Your quick answer will surely put you on the happy road to post-separation friendship.

Wrong. (This is a do-it-yourself paragraph. Insert your own example here.)

There are certainly some questions that require an urgent response. My screening tool – fire, flood, or blood. You know, a true emergency. Handle those – be responsive. However, most communications do not require an immediate response. Some are not actually a sincere request at all, but an attempt to provoke, elicit a response, or create a “gotcha” moment. He may be thinking “will she jump”?

What is not an emergency? “Why can’t you remember Lydia’s shoes? You need to cut your grass? I’m changing Finn’s basketball team. You are not allowed to visit my sister. Why do you let the kids eat junk food?

These might feel like an assault. They may even trigger a fight, flight, or fawn response. A reasonable person could get angry at the tone and implied messages. It’s easy to understand the impulse to rush in. What happens when you rush? First, you make mistakes. Maybe you misspeak, you mix up dates, you are rude, you embarrass yourself. You offer up your dignity. You hand over an exhibit your former can use to demonstrate you are as unhinged as he says you are. Pause.

Take a breath. Regain your composure. Walk away and let the question sit. Give your primitive brain a chance to retreat and allow your better thinking faculties to take over. Get clear on if you need to respond at all or exactly what you need to communicate.

When you pause, you preserve your power. You define your space. Maybe you have never held your space before in this relationship. It is time. Claim yourself as the adult in your own life. You will shoulder the burden, but you will also define the path. You determine the urgency. Yes, that really is your choice. I’m sure you’ve heard you teach people how to treat you. Pausing allows you to reteach your former your new boundaries and autonomy.

Love You,

Divorce Mom