Mind the Gap

My Dear Daughter,

In the UK, “mind the gap” is a phrase stenciled and announced in train stations to warn riders of the space between the train and the platform. If you don’t watch your footing, you can disappear right into the gap simply by making an errant step out of the train. Riders have lost life and limb, literally, with one distracted step. Egads.

If you are divorcing, “the gap” is likely pretty wide. Maybe a nervous leap. This gap sits between what you know about your married life and what you imagine about your new single life. How do you traverse the gap, and will the platform support you on the other side? This gap is not a wise trust-fall space.

So, what’s down there in the deep dark? Well, these gaps are all a bit different, depending on you, your former and the temperature of your relationship, kind of like “Nightmare on Elm Street” in the light of day. But you can handle it, really. First, ask yourself, “What don’t I know?” It’s the only place to start but recognize you don’t yet know all the things you do not know. Leave blank space; you will need it.

As you size up your gap, what is revealed? What do you need? Are you lacking knowledge about the process, resilience to endure that very process, perspective on your new normal, resources such as expert advice, or a fully reworked life plan? Where does your anxiety tick up first? That likely identifies an important part of your gap.

OK – gap sighted, even if not fully explored– where do I go for intel? I got this! First, my dance-mom friend just got divorced; I’ll just ask her. My neighbor said not to leave the house. My daughter’s friend goes back and forth between her parents on this weird schedule. I know that can’t be good. My brother the lawyer says, “I’ve got you, don’t worry about it”.

Your family, friends and neighbors are qualified to love and support you, and you will need that in loads. However, they are not usually a legitimate source of legal, financial, mental health, co-parenting, or strategy decisions. You need a divorce team.

Your team will be specific to you. You don’t even “have” to hire a lawyer to get divorced. That said, the details of divorce vary state by state and wise strategy here will impact your moving-forward options. In most cases, a family law attorney is a valuable investment in your future. Also, consider a specialist in the finances of divorce, a Certified Financial Divorce Analyst. They know all the intricacies of divorce and how it can impact your long-term financial picture. Do you have property? A Certified Divorce Real Estate Expert may help you navigate. How are you handling the stress of the experience? The right therapist, perhaps one specializing in trauma, can be invaluable in understanding and mastering the emotions impacting the resilience you bring to your case. A Divorce Coach can be your personal air traffic controller, helping you with smart communication, working your way through decisions, organizing your thoughts and those mountains of documents. Consider them a second set of educated eyes. All these people are gap-minders.

You choose the people to mind your gap – they are your first team. They keep you from falling in. They catch you when you stumble. They allow you show up at your best, hopefully unscathed. A high-conflict divorce in not a DIY project. Don’t cut these corners when your future is at stake.

Love You,

Divorce Mom